H panda 's Review

Crystal Love by H-Panda

Before I start, I must first warn anyone that is reading this that, this is NOT going to be a good review. So brace yourself!



Reviewed by : Jessie

Title = 8/10

Not bad a title, though it’s a little too common. But I still gave her a 8 because once you read the story, you realize that the title actually encapsulate the story very well and that is one of the most important things a title should do.

Creativity of the story = 13/20

Ideas that I liked
Heaven and Earth Idea
italk
Damien reading up about his own history on earth in a book

Honestly, that was all.

Posters & background = 6/10

From my artistic point of view (which is very bias and subjective I must add), I don’t really think that the poster matched with the story, at least with the style that the author wrote it. The poster, to me, had a very serene and in fact romantic feel, but as what I have gathered, the story isn’t very “romantic”. It was more a thriller than a romance. And the back background made everything so dark! Sometimes I can’t feel the joy of heaven because black is just so upsetting!

Oh yes, I would like to have a background too.

Casts used = 3/5

Having Gillian as a Princess is good, I can imagine her fitting perfectly into the shoes of one too. Edison as the Crown Prince of the dark world, nice. But that would only warrant you a pass, because I have a few problems with the way you portrayed the casts.

“Gestured towards his son, a handsome, tall eighteen-year old with dark blond hair and sharp features, such as his attractive green eyes and brightening smile,” That is the description of Damien and it’s actually the look of an English or American, definitely not Asian. And then he turns out to be the cousin of some Chinese family. This isn’t really logical because I am supposing that this is set in a more Asian context.

And related to the above point, somehow I get the whole feeling that you cast is Western men/women(maybe it’s the names) while your setting is in a rather Chinese heaven.

I had some problems with your characterization also, well although, Edison definitely had the qualities of a dark prince, he sure doesn’t act like one. Maybe you should have done more to describe him. The Edison I know is cold (at least on the surface). He may have a lot of emotions in his heart that wasn’t expressed, but I don’t really he would do it the way the author did it.

Originality = 10/20

The rest the story sounded like a TVB drama to me. It felt to me that you were plucking climaxes from different stories and putting them together. I could easily take off the creative parts that I have mentioned above, and put it into another fic. I will talk more in the plotting part.

Storyline/plotting= 10/20

I’m sorry. And allow me to justify my stance.

This fic felt like a TVB drama (did I already say that?) And that is quite cheesy to me. It’s like a jumble of everything without much depth. This could have worked out if you has actually spent time to expand each of this which you didn’t, which brings me to my 2nd point
The story is shallow. I am not saying that you are immature or anything. But rather, there was potential that things could have been better, there were hints of creativity, but they were just left there. It made me feel as though you were trying to rush a story off.
Call me an emotional writer, but I am greatly disturbed by the lack of emotion that I had while reading. The story felt like a, A did this, B did this, C found out this and so on. I couldn’t feel any emotions, even right up to the climax where Edison and Gillian died for each other. I was like, okay. They died for each other. The author failed to stir up my emotions even at such a dramatic moment and to me, a story that fails to stir up something in the readers’ heart, is a bad story.
More story space should have spent describing about the characters of both Gillian and Edison. I realized I never knew what the 2 of them were. I am not making friends with the characters.
There is also a flow problem. Like, how can Edison and Gillian be so sure that they are the ones who spoke on iTalk. How can Edison not know, upon seeing Gillian that she was the Princess of Heaven and vice versa when they are both so high profile people?

You got a 10 because at least I knew what was going on and the things actually follow some order. I would do you injustice if I failed you as this story has a structure.

Spelling/Grammar = 4/5

Very smooth writing. I did not have much trouble reading the whole story. When I read the first chapter, I was taken by her vivid description of the heaven, I could almost see it with my own eyes. Her other descriptions are equally vivid so thumbs up!

But I spotted mistakes =) And that was the only reason you got 4, k.

“ quickly picked up the book and ran back to wear Wen and Gillian were discussing Dan Brown’s ‘Da Vinci Code”

“He was a He was expected to win this battle.” –Chapter 13 (I didn’t really understand what you were talking about)

Overall enjoyment = 3/10

Okay this is the part that I can be bias. So I have to say sadly that I cannot pass you coz I really did not enjoy the fic. (Sorry, really). Although your command of the language is good, I was greatly saddened that firstly, you did not make the characters real. The story was very flat. I was actually desperate to finish the story but as a professional, I have to read the whole thing. Like I have commented above, all I see is action action action, no emotions and sometimes the actions don’t seem to flow in.

Total: 57/100 (Read only you are EG fan)

Hey, thanks for educating me. It was from your story that I learnt that Canada is the 2nd largest country in the world =) I feel so ignorant.

And speaking to you (and everyone who write fics) as a writer of fic myself, though I don’t call myself an excellent writer, writing is about enjoying yourself, indulging yourself in the world that you have created with words. If you yourself find the story boring, how would anyone find interest in it? As a reader, it is actually very obvious to see when someone is bored of his/her writing and it affects the readers too (maybe it’s just me)

Oh. H Panda. I just realized that we are supposed to be coworkers, but honestly, I am ruthless when it comes to reviews, so don’t take it personally k =)