23 Days by Hikari
Title: 10 / 10
Your title looks extremely amazing and different from others which the first impression that gives me was is it somehow a story about a sad love story even when the poster shows the quote of 'Don't need your love anymore'. I can briefly know a bit of the storyline but the title is still confusing of what the storyline it is so it will tends to allow readers continue reading.
Your title looks extremely amazing and different from others which the first impression that gives me was is it somehow a story about a sad love story even when the poster shows the quote of 'Don't need your love anymore'. I can briefly know a bit of the storyline but the title is still confusing of what the storyline it is so it will tends to allow readers continue reading.
Creativity of Story: 18 / 20
Basically, your story is really out of some creativity but there's some fan fiction too write about H.I.M records company in the their story so there isn't really a surprise there for the readers and I think the only surprise I got was Aaron being a maybe a 'jerk' of asking a sudden break from Hebe, of course he have never been a 'jerk' in any of the story. He is much more of a cutie, gentlemen but your story brings out another side of him.
Basically, your story is really out of some creativity but there's some fan fiction too write about H.I.M records company in the their story so there isn't really a surprise there for the readers and I think the only surprise I got was Aaron being a maybe a 'jerk' of asking a sudden break from Hebe, of course he have never been a 'jerk' in any of the story. He is much more of a cutie, gentlemen but your story brings out another side of him.
Poster & Background: 10 /10
The background absolutely fits the mood of your story of Hebe being weak, sad like what your story writes of her being upset over Aaron's break-up with her and Aaron being the cool guy with somehow no emotion, which the mood is kind of down, moody with the quote makes the overall more saddy. Your black background however really blends in well with your white fonts that brings the words out of the blackie background and your readers won't have to strain their eyes. (P.S I am not being baised of giving full marks for this section though the poster is made by my graphic designer.)
The background absolutely fits the mood of your story of Hebe being weak, sad like what your story writes of her being upset over Aaron's break-up with her and Aaron being the cool guy with somehow no emotion, which the mood is kind of down, moody with the quote makes the overall more saddy. Your black background however really blends in well with your white fonts that brings the words out of the blackie background and your readers won't have to strain their eyes. (P.S I am not being baised of giving full marks for this section though the poster is made by my graphic designer.)
Cast Used: 10 / 10
Alright, this part have nothing to comments since I have a full mark to this section because you chosen Hebe and Aaron for this story which suits your story 100%, so you deserve the full marks here.
Alright, this part have nothing to comments since I have a full mark to this section because you chosen Hebe and Aaron for this story which suits your story 100%, so you deserve the full marks here.
Originality: 18 / 20
This section I gave a marks of 18 because there's is some part of your own ideas in it especially of putting that crazy Calvin being like super duper S.H.E fans, going up to them excitedly for their signature even when they signed on his hand and he is like saying "OMG!!!!!!!!!! S.H.E SIGNED ON MY HAND!! I AM GOING CRAZY!!" than everyone out there were like "Must he be so excited". To me, I thought Calvin supposed to be somehow cool, quiet but in here he's like being possessed into another person crazy over S.H.E. Anyway, your idea is great.
This section I gave a marks of 18 because there's is some part of your own ideas in it especially of putting that crazy Calvin being like super duper S.H.E fans, going up to them excitedly for their signature even when they signed on his hand and he is like saying "OMG!!!!!!!!!! S.H.E SIGNED ON MY HAND!! I AM GOING CRAZY!!" than everyone out there were like "Must he be so excited". To me, I thought Calvin supposed to be somehow cool, quiet but in here he's like being possessed into another person crazy over S.H.E. Anyway, your idea is great.
Story / Plotting: 19 / 20
Your story really went well with the flow from chapter to chapter like you have already plan well what the cast is going to do and what will happened next in the scene, not making the scene messy; you actually make every chapter short and placing cliffhanger in almost every chapter that will makes your readers go jumping around in their chair with the popcorn flying around so maybe a suggestion from me is to update faster if you placed cliffhanger in that chapter before readers get impatient.
Your story really went well with the flow from chapter to chapter like you have already plan well what the cast is going to do and what will happened next in the scene, not making the scene messy; you actually make every chapter short and placing cliffhanger in almost every chapter that will makes your readers go jumping around in their chair with the popcorn flying around so maybe a suggestion from me is to update faster if you placed cliffhanger in that chapter before readers get impatient.
Grammer / Spelling: 2 / 5
Okays, I have not much to comments here for grammer and spelling section cause you actually use the dialogue form than the narrative format but there is somehow a little grammer mistake here and there in your story and I will just point out a few. Example:,
The correct spelling for Tawain is actually Taiwan. You mis placed the 'i' behind the 'a' but it is supposed to be in front that makes the words ' Taiwan '.
The correct spelling for Tawain is actually Taiwan. You mis placed the 'i' behind the 'a' but it is supposed to be in front that makes the words ' Taiwan '.
Next, was Ella and Selina's dialogue in Chapter 5, Ella: Lao pos, how do you think about our shidi's? Honestly I think they are a little wried. This sentence is a bit out of the form of weird should be spelled it this way and also you should form the sentence in a way of, "Lao pos, how do you guys feels about our shidi? Honestly speaking, I think they looks a little weird."
Selina: While i think so too.Calvin gets high whenever he sees us,Jiro is always doing wried poses over and over again,Chun is so shy and Aaron is just too quiet. Maybe you change it to a way of. "Well I think so too. Calvin gets high whenever he sees us, Jiro is always repeating his weird pose as for Chun, he is pretty shy and Aaron is just too quiet."
Selina: While i think so too.Calvin gets high whenever he sees us,Jiro is always doing wried poses over and over again,Chun is so shy and Aaron is just too quiet. Maybe you change it to a way of. "Well I think so too. Calvin gets high whenever he sees us, Jiro is always repeating his weird pose as for Chun, he is pretty shy and Aaron is just too quiet."
Alright, this is just a few mistakes that I spots in your fan fiction so I just point it out as a form of suggestion since I am your reviewer but there is no offence to you but just a little suggestion for you and maybe you can try inserting some commas in your sentence so there will not be so many fullstops.
Overall Enjoyment: 9 / 10
Overall, I enjoy your fan fiction not only in the shoes of a fanfic reviewer but also as a reader; it is really interesting to see the love relationship of Aaron and Hebe. I was quite in keen in knowing why did Aaron ask for a breakup and what's his reason behind it hurting Hebe like hell, and I almost nearly wanting to whack him up and down but anyway hope that you will just update regularly.
Overall, I enjoy your fan fiction not only in the shoes of a fanfic reviewer but also as a reader; it is really interesting to see the love relationship of Aaron and Hebe. I was quite in keen in knowing why did Aaron ask for a breakup and what's his reason behind it hurting Hebe like hell, and I almost nearly wanting to whack him up and down but anyway hope that you will just update regularly.
Total: 96 / 100
posted by Viva - teamo at
11:48 PM
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