An opportunity missed
An opportunity missed
By devilishgiirl aka lildragongurl
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/devilishgiirl/
Reviewed By: Miyuki
Title = 5/10
Totally no offense or anything but, your title gives away your story as soon as you set eyes on it. It obviously talks about ' an opportunity missed ' in love. Next time, choose your titles more ... creatively? Like, more mysterious so that it kinda lures readers into reading? Curiousity becoming the better of them?
Creativity of the story = 10/20
Did I mention I hate cliches? No? Well I'll do so now. I detest cliches. Have you seen those drama's that have the same story over and over again? Whats the point of it? Your story is the same. Cliche. You might as well have copied it off some drama. Cliches just go by the same plot each time, it kinda shows you're not using your creativity do the job. Let it flow from you heart? lol I hate to be mean or anything, but next time don't use something thats so commonly expressed. Umm ... Hebe being knocked down and dieing, Arron's dedication of the song is sooo ... banal? 5 is for your lyrics, and the other five is because though this is cliche, you haven't copied every single bit ... there are certain parts that are worth crediting. Good!
Posters & background = 10/10 [ Being VERY nice ]
Whats with the man and the stretching highway? Is that meant to symbolise the ' dragginess ' of the relationship? Haha umm ... maybe choose something else? CuZ a looonnnggg road is more likely to be a long journey, or a long distance relationship. Good to see you changed the font colours and stuff. The broken heart is a good way to express the hurt between the couples.
Casts used = 5/5
Sure! I like the cast!
Originality = 10/20
Trite. One word to describe it all. Ok. Put it this way, many dramas are about two lovers that cannot be together blah blah blah then they become a couple. Another is there is a happy couple blah blah blah and then one dies. Yours is like the second one except were they ever happy? No I guess. Oh and the song. Sure its touching and all that, but don't you think the word ' hackneyed ' when you see it? I've been very generous here seeing that I've mentioned the many cliched stories there are around in practically every section. Maybe you could try a couple falling in love then finding out they're brother and sister? lol jks jks but thats actually less cliche than the storyline of a dieing person see.
Storyline/plotting = 12/20
You gotta admit, the storyline ... I'm not going to say it but you know what I'll say anyway so yeah.
Spelling/Grammar = 3/5 for your English version and 5/5 for the Chinese one
Your chinese one has some mistakes too. But I'm giving you a 5 because perhaps you just typed it wrong ... but its only some so thats okay I suppose. It's your English version that needs the attention.
[ I'm counting this section as a 4 ]
'She tidied up the files which had fallen on the ground and passed it to him and opologised again.
' opologised ' is not a word. ' apologised '
It's mainly your grammar that needs improving, your spelling ... well lets just say you kind of become careless sometimes, but keep trying!
Overall enjoyment = 4/10
Umm ... well the way you link up sentences have room for improvement. Take for an example:
' She tidied up the files which had fallen on the ground and passed it to him and opologised again. '
' She hurridely tidied up the files that had fallen on the ground and passed it to him, apologising profusedly. ' would have been better?
Your sentence kind of lacks ... strength and complexity.
I don't like cliches. Maybe thats why I haven't given you a good mark for this section. Perhaps a little twist here and there would add marks aswell. Its just too dull in my opinion. You've probably eliminated the twists because its a One - Shot, but as I said its boring.
Watch your tenses.
' When Hebe reached her school, she looked at her watch, fortunately she's not late. '
' ... fortunately she was not late. '
' She walked to her classroom slowly, found an empty seat and sit down, waiting for the teacher to come. '
' ... found an empty seat and sat down. '
You tend to mix up your tenses a lot. Try and fix that up and I garentee that if I ever read a corrected version of this again, I won't have to frown everytime I come by a mistake.
' She tidied up the files which had fallen on the ground and passed it to him and opologised again. '
' she apologised to him again, '
' On that day, Hebe was walking home alone. On the way home, a few girls from her class popped out from nowhere and went forward to make things difficult for Hebe. '
' On that day, as Hebe was walking home alone, a few girls from her class popped out from no - where and strode forward, a devious plan already formed in between them to make Hebe's life hell. ' would have been umm ... more ... linked? You use a lot of full stops when you could just join the two sentences together. DON'T do that. Think of conjunctions.
Sometimes, I had to actually re - read some parts to understand what you meant.
' On another particular day, its also a dismissal time, Aaron had just left the classroom a few moment ago and Hebe realised that he had left his homework behind. '
Its also a dismissal time? You mean its also after school? If so, and I'm pretty sure thats what you mean, could you make it slightly clearer?
' This incident had happened for three years already, he still have that cool expression and his prince-like attitude. '
' ... yet he still bore the same, cool expression and a prince-like attitude.'
Finally, I'd like to add that its not that you can't write, its cuz you don't think of your own plot and consequently, this mark. Keep trying and you'll improve a lot.
Total : 60/100
By devilishgiirl aka lildragongurl
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/devilishgiirl/
Reviewed By: Miyuki
Title = 5/10
Totally no offense or anything but, your title gives away your story as soon as you set eyes on it. It obviously talks about ' an opportunity missed ' in love. Next time, choose your titles more ... creatively? Like, more mysterious so that it kinda lures readers into reading? Curiousity becoming the better of them?
Creativity of the story = 10/20
Did I mention I hate cliches? No? Well I'll do so now. I detest cliches. Have you seen those drama's that have the same story over and over again? Whats the point of it? Your story is the same. Cliche. You might as well have copied it off some drama. Cliches just go by the same plot each time, it kinda shows you're not using your creativity do the job. Let it flow from you heart? lol I hate to be mean or anything, but next time don't use something thats so commonly expressed. Umm ... Hebe being knocked down and dieing, Arron's dedication of the song is sooo ... banal? 5 is for your lyrics, and the other five is because though this is cliche, you haven't copied every single bit ... there are certain parts that are worth crediting. Good!
Posters & background = 10/10 [ Being VERY nice ]
Whats with the man and the stretching highway? Is that meant to symbolise the ' dragginess ' of the relationship? Haha umm ... maybe choose something else? CuZ a looonnnggg road is more likely to be a long journey, or a long distance relationship. Good to see you changed the font colours and stuff. The broken heart is a good way to express the hurt between the couples.
Casts used = 5/5
Sure! I like the cast!
Originality = 10/20
Trite. One word to describe it all. Ok. Put it this way, many dramas are about two lovers that cannot be together blah blah blah then they become a couple. Another is there is a happy couple blah blah blah and then one dies. Yours is like the second one except were they ever happy? No I guess. Oh and the song. Sure its touching and all that, but don't you think the word ' hackneyed ' when you see it? I've been very generous here seeing that I've mentioned the many cliched stories there are around in practically every section. Maybe you could try a couple falling in love then finding out they're brother and sister? lol jks jks but thats actually less cliche than the storyline of a dieing person see.
Storyline/plotting = 12/20
You gotta admit, the storyline ... I'm not going to say it but you know what I'll say anyway so yeah.
Spelling/Grammar = 3/5 for your English version and 5/5 for the Chinese one
Your chinese one has some mistakes too. But I'm giving you a 5 because perhaps you just typed it wrong ... but its only some so thats okay I suppose. It's your English version that needs the attention.
[ I'm counting this section as a 4 ]
'She tidied up the files which had fallen on the ground and passed it to him and opologised again.
' opologised ' is not a word. ' apologised '
It's mainly your grammar that needs improving, your spelling ... well lets just say you kind of become careless sometimes, but keep trying!
Overall enjoyment = 4/10
Umm ... well the way you link up sentences have room for improvement. Take for an example:
' She tidied up the files which had fallen on the ground and passed it to him and opologised again. '
' She hurridely tidied up the files that had fallen on the ground and passed it to him, apologising profusedly. ' would have been better?
Your sentence kind of lacks ... strength and complexity.
I don't like cliches. Maybe thats why I haven't given you a good mark for this section. Perhaps a little twist here and there would add marks aswell. Its just too dull in my opinion. You've probably eliminated the twists because its a One - Shot, but as I said its boring.
Watch your tenses.
' When Hebe reached her school, she looked at her watch, fortunately she's not late. '
' ... fortunately she was not late. '
' She walked to her classroom slowly, found an empty seat and sit down, waiting for the teacher to come. '
' ... found an empty seat and sat down. '
You tend to mix up your tenses a lot. Try and fix that up and I garentee that if I ever read a corrected version of this again, I won't have to frown everytime I come by a mistake.
' She tidied up the files which had fallen on the ground and passed it to him and opologised again. '
' she apologised to him again, '
' On that day, Hebe was walking home alone. On the way home, a few girls from her class popped out from nowhere and went forward to make things difficult for Hebe. '
' On that day, as Hebe was walking home alone, a few girls from her class popped out from no - where and strode forward, a devious plan already formed in between them to make Hebe's life hell. ' would have been umm ... more ... linked? You use a lot of full stops when you could just join the two sentences together. DON'T do that. Think of conjunctions.
Sometimes, I had to actually re - read some parts to understand what you meant.
' On another particular day, its also a dismissal time, Aaron had just left the classroom a few moment ago and Hebe realised that he had left his homework behind. '
Its also a dismissal time? You mean its also after school? If so, and I'm pretty sure thats what you mean, could you make it slightly clearer?
' This incident had happened for three years already, he still have that cool expression and his prince-like attitude. '
' ... yet he still bore the same, cool expression and a prince-like attitude.'
Finally, I'd like to add that its not that you can't write, its cuz you don't think of your own plot and consequently, this mark. Keep trying and you'll improve a lot.
Total : 60/100
posted by Viva - teamo at
6:11 PM
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